Toxic Positivity: What to Say Instead of “Just Stay Positive”
By Greg Shaw | The Support and Kindness Podcast, Episode 59
You tell someone you're worn out. Maybe you're in pain. Maybe you're scared about money, or waiting for news you cannot control.
Before you've finished, they say, “Look on the bright side.”
You know they probably mean well. But now you feel you have to prove that you are grateful before you can explain why you are struggling.
That is where we began this week's conversation with Rich, Liam, and Sarah. We talked about toxic positivity, the urge to fix other people's feelings, and the pressure we put on ourselves to seem fine.
We also caught ourselves doing it. This was a conversation about habits many of us share, including me.
Listen to Episode 59: Toxic Positivity.
This article includes grief, trauma, depression, chronic illness, and disability. It offers peer support and general information. The research sections add context beyond the recorded conversation.
What is toxic positivity?
Toxic positivity is pressure to put a positive spin on something when that leaves no room for what a person actually feels.
It might sound like “Everything happens for a reason.” It might be “Other people have it worse.” Sometimes it is the rule that nobody in a family or workplace is allowed to raise a problem.
Context matters. The same words can comfort one person and upset another. A friend who knows you well may offer encouragement you welcome. Someone who barely knows your situation may miss what you need.
A 2026 review of 59 academic and public sources identified four recurring themes: hiding emotion, dismissing emotion, unrealistic optimism, and happiness that feels false. The review covered material published through June 2024. Researchers are still refining the idea and ways to measure it.
It is a description of a pattern, not a diagnosis to give someone after one clumsy comment.
Why do caring people rush to the bright side?
Sarah was honest about wanting to fix things for people she loves. She does not want her children or friends to hurt. Reassurance can feel like the most caring thing available.
Rich remembered the urge to make everything better when a child got hurt. You reach for ice, a plaster, a treat, and a promise that it will be okay. Sometimes that habit follows us into conversations where there is no quick repair.
Liam spoke about being a child who felt responsible for an adult's distress. Hearing someone in pain can still bring up anxiety for him. His story showed how our own history can shape the way we try to help.
None of this makes someone a bad person. It does give us something to notice.
Am I listening to what this person needs? Or am I trying to end a feeling that makes me uncomfortable?
We do not need to get every word right. We need to be willing to hear when our words missed the mark.
You can feel grateful and still struggle
There is a version of this that happens inside our own heads.
“I have a home. I shouldn't feel lonely.”
“Someone else is in more pain. I shouldn't complain.”
“People have helped me. I should be happier by now.”
Liam and Sarah both spoke about comparing their problems with other people's suffering. I recognise that habit too. There will always be someone facing something worse. That does not make our own needs disappear.
Being grateful for support does not mean you have to enjoy needing it. Loving your family does not mean you never need a break. You can be glad to be alive and tired of living with pain.
A study across 40 countries, involving 7,443 people, found a link between perceived pressure to be happy and poorer well-being. Most participants were young psychology students, so the sample does not represent everyone. It was a survey, which cannot prove cause and effect. It does give us a reason to question making happiness feel like a duty.
Try changing “I shouldn't feel this” to “This is what I feel today.” You can decide what to do next without first putting yourself on trial.
“You're so strong” can be hard to hear
Sarah made a point I think many people with chronic symptoms will recognise. Being called strong can feel kind. It can also feel far from the truth when you are getting through the day because you have to.
She was careful to say she was not telling everyone to stop using the phrase. How it lands depends on the person, the relationship, and the moment.
The trouble comes when praise leaves no space for help.
If someone says they are exhausted, we can ask what has become difficult. Perhaps they need a lift, a meal, help with paperwork, or someone to sit beside them. Admiring their strength does not tell us which of those would help.
A 2024 Australian survey of 1,610 adults with chronic physical symptoms linked illness invalidation with psychological distress. It studied being discounted or misunderstood, rather than toxic positivity itself. The findings were associations, not proof that one caused the other.
Taking someone's account seriously is a useful place to begin.
Faith and hope can leave room for pain
We spent part of the episode talking about churches and faith. Some of us had felt dismissed by easy answers offered in religious settings.
Rich also made clear that this was not his experience of every church. He described how faith and gratitude can sit alongside grief and anger after an injury changes your life.
That distinction matters. A person's beliefs may bring deep comfort. We can respect that without deciding what another person's suffering is supposed to mean.
If “everything happens for a reason” helps you understand your own loss, that is yours to hold. Before saying it to someone else, leave room for their beliefs and their feelings.
You might ask, “Would you like to talk about what is helping you get through this?” They may want prayer. They may want silence. They may not know.
Hope does not require a promise about the outcome. “I can call tomorrow” is a promise we may actually be able to keep.
If injury or illness has changed the future you pictured, our earlier episode, Grief for the Life You Thought You’d Have, explores that loss in more depth.
What research adds beyond the episode
Making room for feelings
Research by Brett Ford and colleagues linked accepting thoughts and feelings with better psychological health. The work included a follow-up six months later.
An important distinction was accepting an inner experience, rather than accepting the situation that caused it. You can acknowledge anger and still challenge unfair treatment. You can admit fear and still ask for help. This research does not turn acceptance into a cure or a duty to tolerate harm.
Positivity at work
A 2026 study of 301 Australian employees linked reported toxic positivity with shame, emotional exhaustion, and intentions to withdraw from work. The sample was 76.4% female, with an average age of 34.2. Those details describe the participants; they do not show which gender is most affected.
In our conversation, we talked about how difficult it can be to speak up when the person dismissing you controls your pay or provides your care.
An overwhelming workload still needs attention after someone tells you to improve your attitude. A care problem still needs a response after someone smiles and says it could be worse.
Optimism still has a place
A review of more than 80 studies found a modest association between optimism and better physical health. That does not mean thoughts can cure illness. It does remind us that hope itself is not something we need to give up.
The useful question is whether encouragement fits what is happening and what the person wants.
A note for Ohio listeners about work and disability
Sarah mentioned Opportunities for Ohioans with Disabilities, or OOD, as a possible source of practical help.
OOD offers vocational rehabilitation services across Ohio, including help with finding or keeping work and navigating workplace accommodations. Eligibility and services depend on the person's circumstances. It serves all 88 counties, not only Columbus.
Workplace rights have specific rules. Under the federal ADA, covered employers generally must provide reasonable accommodations to qualified people with disabilities unless doing so would cause undue hardship. An employer may offer an effective alternative to the particular change requested. The EEOC explains these requirements and limits. This is general information, not individual legal advice.
What to say instead
You do not need a perfect speech. These are examples to adapt, not lines you have to memorise.
| When you feel tempted to say | You could try |
|---|---|
| “At least it isn't worse.” | “That sounds hard. What has today been like?” |
| “Everything will be fine.” | “I don't know what will happen. I can stay with you for a while.” |
| “Other people have it worse.” | “You deserve support with this.” |
| “You're so strong.” | “You've had a lot to carry. Would some practical help be useful?” |
| “You should be grateful.” | “You can appreciate what you have and still be hurting.” |
Then listen to the answer. If the person wants advice, you can offer it. If they want company, you can ask what that would look like. A distraction can be welcome too, when it is their choice.
Acknowledging a feeling does not mean agreeing with every thought behind it. If someone says nobody cares, you can recognise their loneliness while telling them that you care.
Repairing a conversation and setting limits
Rich's advice about getting it wrong was direct: take ownership. A brief apology can make room for the other person again.
“I'm sorry. I rushed to reassure you. I want to understand.”
Try to avoid turning the apology into a request for them to reassure you about your intentions.
If someone keeps dismissing you after you have explained, a boundary may help. Sarah talked about telling a person that you can no longer trust them with that part of your life.
You can share less. You can end a conversation. You can look for support elsewhere.
Supporters need limits too. I spoke about offering someone an hour to talk and having that offer rejected because it came with a time limit. Caring does not give us endless energy. Be clear about what you can offer, and allow the other person to decide whether it helps.
This week's challenge
At the end of the episode, I asked listeners to pause before offering reassurance. The next time someone tells you something difficult, ask:
“Would you like me to listen or would you like some help with the next step? And what would be useful?”
Then give them time to answer.
If you are struggling yourself, try finishing the sentence from the episode:
“Today, I feel… And what I could use is…”
It might be rest, company, help, or space. It is okay if you do not know yet.
Further listening and recent reading
- Susan David: The gift and power of emotional courage. A TED talk about responding to difficult emotions with more honesty and flexibility.
- Nora McInerny: We don't “move on” from grief. We move forward with it. A personal account of carrying loss while continuing to live.
- Stella Young: I'm not your inspiration, thank you very much. A disability perspective on praise and assumptions.
In an October 15, 2026 Q&A, the authors of the toxic positivity review explain their earlier work and the questions that remain. This is a recent discussion of the research, rather than a new study.
You can hear the full conversation with Greg, Rich, Liam, and Sarah in Episode 59: Toxic Positivity. For a place to talk, find our free online peer support groups.
These groups are not therapy or crisis care. In the United States, call or text 988 if you need crisis support. For immediate danger, contact emergency services.
Resources and references
Sources checked November 6, 2026. Links to further talks and practical resources appear above.
- Premlal, D., and Jose K., A. (2026). Conceptualising toxic positivity: a scoping review. Cognition and Emotion.
- Dejonckheere, E., and colleagues (2022). Perceiving societal pressure to be happy is linked to poor well-being, especially in happy nations. Scientific Reports.
- Woldhuis, T., and Gandy, M. (2024). Illness invalidation and psychological distress in adults with chronic physical health symptoms. General Hospital Psychiatry.
- Ford, B. Q., Lam, P., John, O. P., and Mauss, I. B. (2018 issue; online 2017). The psychological health benefits of accepting negative emotions and thoughts. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
- Grosvenor, S. L., and Loi, N. M. (2026). Exploring toxic positivity, shame, emotional exhaustion, and job withdrawal intentions in the workplace. Scandinavian Journal of Psychology.
- Rasmussen, H. N., Scheier, M. F., and Greenhouse, J. B. (2009). Optimism and physical health: a meta-analytic review. Annals of Behavioral Medicine.
